Troubles and Treats Read online

  Chapter 10 –Mace, Tasers, and Giant Testicles

  “I’m telling you, Liz, someone is following me,” I argue as I put on my blinker at the stop light to turn into Target.

  “I think you’re just paranoid,” Liz’s voice states, coming through the speakers of the car. “You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months and you’re not having sex. I’ve heard that causes hallucinations.”

  I roll my eyes as the light turns green and I pull into the parking lot. I check my rear-view mirror every few seconds as I drive up and down the aisle looking for a parking space.

  “I’ve been to three places this afternoon and each time there was a black SUV with tinted windows parked a few cars down from me or driving a few cars behind me. Every time I look in the mirror I see that damn car,” I tell her as I finally find a spot. “I have a stalker. I just know it. I know I’ve always said I wish I had a stalker because I thought it would be cool and romantic, but I changed my mind.”

  I hear Liz laugh through the speakers as I turn around in my seat and search the parking lot for the SUV.

  “If you’re seriously freaked out, why don’t you call Drew?”

  “Because, he’ll just race over here and make a testicle of himself,” I mumble as I continue searching the lot.

  “He’s already a giant testicle. Don’t you mean spectacle?”

  “No, he doesn’t wear glasses. Didn’t I tell you what he did when those Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door and he thought they were threatening me? I didn’t want to be mean but I couldn’t get them off the damn porch. Drew came around the corner and heard me getting frustrated, pushed me out of the way, flung open the door, and started speaking in thongs,” I explain.

  “Tongues. For fuck’s sake. He started speaking in tongues.”

  I huff in irritation. “Whatever. He started screaming all this nonsense with wild, crazy eyes and banging his head like he was at a rock concert. Those poor old people hobbled off the porch and ran to their car. If I call him right now, he’ll start racing around the parking lot, busting old people’s hips and scaring children.”

  “Alright, I’ll tell you what. Claire and I are getting ready to close up. We’ll meet you at the Starbucks in town for a coffee in like thirty minutes and see if we notice anyone looking suspicious. Will that make you feel better?” she asks.

  “Yes, much better. I’ll see you in thirty.”

  I disconnect the call, get out of the car, and run as fast as I can into Target just in case my stalker wants to try and run me down.

  ~

  “Jenny, this is ridiculous. I am not putting this shit on,” Liz complains as she throws the Target bag back into my lap.

  We had all managed to pull into the Starbucks parking lot at the exact same time. I had parked next to Liz’s car and motioned for her and Claire to get into mine so they could change into their outfits before we did this thing.

  “Shut up and just put them on. You don’t want this lunatic to know we’re on to him, do you?” I ask in irritation as I throw the bag back at Liz.

  She turns around to look into the backseat just as Claire pulls off her t-shirt and slides on the black, long-sleeved shirt I bought her at Target.

  “Oh my God. Are you seriously changing?” Liz asks her with a dumbfounded look on her face.

  Claire’s movements halt in the middle of unbuttoning her jeans so she can change into the black leggings I had also purchased. “What? Black is slimming. Even if there isn’t a stalker, I’ll look good drinking my coffee. Plus, Carter’s been begging to do some role playing. I can creep into the bedroom window later and pretend I’m a cat burglar that suddenly wants to bang the man she’s robbing.”

  “Didn’t Carter get second degree burns on his ass last time you two role played?” I question.

  “Yeah. Pretending to be a cooking instructor and telling him to hop up on the stove so I could ‘lick his beaters’ wasn’t a good idea. We both forgot the stove was on. I went to the emergency room wearing just an apron for a shirt. Okay, so maybe I won’t sneak in the bedroom window. Someone could get shot.”

  Liz is still staring in stunned silence as Claire pulls a black skull cap down over the top of her head.

  “You’re sure you saw the SUV driving behind you after you left Target?” Liz asks for the third time since getting in the car.

  “Oh no!” I yell.

  “No you didn’t see the SUV?” Liz asks in confusion.

  “No! I mean yes! I said oh no because the SUV is right there, parked across the street,” I explain frantically as I point out Liz’s window.

  Liz and Claire’s heads whip around, and they both stare at the black SUV parked on the corner with no one inside.

  “Holy shit. Maybe you are being followed,” Liz mutters.

  “Duh!” I yell as I smack her arm.

  “Jenny, last year you made me come over in the middle of the night while Drew was at work because you said a colony of spider eggs hatched and your bedroom was so full of spiders you couldn’t even see the floor anymore and you were afraid they would eat Veronica. When I got to your house, there was one spider hanging from its web over your bed,” Liz states. “Forgive me if I tend not to believe you.”

  “You can’t blame me for that. Veronica woke me up that night, and when I came back in the room he was just hanging there. Spiders DO NOT work alone. And he was hovering over me, watching me sleep. Who knows what other plans he had in store for me. I bet his friends were just lurking in the corners waiting to pounce on me.”

  For several minutes Liz and I argue back and forth about what I like to refer to as “the night I almost got eaten alive by rabid spiders” when Claire suddenly grabs both of our shoulders from the back seat.

  “Guys. I think I just saw some guy staring at the car,” she states in a whisper. “Over there behind that bush.”

  “Why the fuck are you whispering? He can’t hear you,” Liz scolds.

  “Shut the hell up, crotch rot!”

  “Oh you did NOT just call me crotch rot, you twat-faced cum dumpster!”

  “OH MY GOD! WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! There is a man hiding behind a bush watching us!” I yell in frustration.

  Liz and Claire give up on their insults to stare at the bush in question and sure enough, a head peaks out for a quick second and then goes right back into hiding.

  “Oh it’s ON now!” Liz says excitedly as she starts digging into her Target bag and scrambling into her black outfit.

  “Okay, Jenny, you stay here. Claire and I will sneak out of our side of the car and double back around the building so we can creep up on this douchebag,” Liz explains as she pulls her own black skull cap down low on her head. “How are we going to communicate what’s going on though?”

  I reach into my own Target bag that rests on my lap and pull out two walkie-talkies.

  “I got these at the store too.”

  I hand one to Liz and clutch the other one tightly in my hand while I continue digging through the bag. “I’ve also got mace and a taser.”

  I hand the taser to Claire and the mace to Liz.

  “Since when do they sell tasers at Target?” Claire asks, leaning forward in between mine and Liz’s seats.

  “Oh, they don’t. I actually brought that from home. Drew likes it when I use it on his balls.”

  “Fuck, Jenny. Overshare,” Liz complains.

  I watch as they quietly and slowly open their doors and slink out of the car. They shut their doors without a sound and crouch down, moving across the parking lot toward the building. I immediately feel nervous and double-check the bush to make sure the guy is still hiding behind it and not paying attention to my friends.

  I turn on my walkie-talkie and hold down the talk button.

  “Hey,” I whisper. “It’s Jenny.”

  I let go of the button and within seconds hear Liz’s voice. “No shit, Sherlock. We just made it to the back of the building,” she says softly, the sounds of her heavy breathing comi
ng through the walkie-talkie. “Don’t watch where we’re going. Don’t act suspicious. Just keep an eye on stalker guy and let us know if he changes position. Over and out Mrs. Pink.”

  I stare at the device in my hand in confusion.

  “Mrs. Pink?” I ask into the speaker.

  “Yes, Mrs. Pink. I’m Mrs. Black, Claire is Mrs. Brown, and you’re Mrs. Pink,” Liz explains.

  I hear Claire snatch the walkie-talkie out of Liz’s hand seconds later. “I don’t want to be Mrs. Brown. I want to be Mrs. Pink.”

  “Yeah, I don’t get why I’m Mrs. Pink. I don’t even like the color pink,” I complain.

  “Ooooh, I like the color pink. I’ll be Mrs. Pink and you can be Mrs. Brown,” Claire tells me.

  “No, brown makes me think of poop. I want to be Mrs. Blue. Blue is pretty.”

  Suddenly there’s a scuffle and some cursing coming through the speaker.

  “You guys are such dicks. We’re not changing secret names. Claire is Mrs. Brown because of chocolate and you’re Mrs. Pink because pink makes me think of victims and now if anyone is on this channel they’re going to know what we’re doing,” Liz explains in irritation.

  “So why are you Mrs. Black?” I question.

  “Because I’m going to blacken your face if you guys don’t shut the fuck up. We are supposed to be commandeering a suspect, not having a coloring contest.”

  I sigh and rest my hand with the walkie-talkie in my lap, glancing out of the car window to see if my stalker is still behind the bush. I can see the bush rustling and what looks like a pair of black boots peeking out from underneath. Suddenly, I see Liz and Jenny running full speed from the other side of the building, straight at the bush. Without thinking, I throw the walkie-talkie onto the passenger seat and scramble out of the car, rushing across the parking lot towards them.

  As I’m running, I see Liz dive behind the bush and tackle someone. I can hear Claire screaming at the top of her lungs, aiming her taser at the tangle of arms and legs I see flying out from the edge of the bush.

  I finally get close enough to hear what’s going on and see a quick flash of light burst out from the end of the taser followed by a high pitch scream.

  “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU FUCK FACE. YOU JUST TASED ME!” Liz screams at Claire while her body spasms and yet, she still manages to straddle the stalker’s back. She’s got him face-planted into the ground and her elbow wrapped around his neck the whole time the electric voltage from the taser is ripping through her. She’s like Rambo on crack.

  “OH MY GOD! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! SHIT!” Claire yells as she yanks the taser back toward her to get it off of Liz.

  “AAAAAHHHHHH! IT’S STUCK TO MY SKIN, YOU CUNT WHORE! CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!”

  “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” Claire mumbles as she drops the taser to the ground and rushes over to Liz while she bounces up and down on the guys back and tightens her hold on his neck.

  “Oof, GET, oof, OFF, oof, ME!” the guy wheezes with each bounce as Liz lands on him.

  “Tell us why you’ve been following our friend or I am going to mace you, you sick fuck,” Liz yells as Claire gets behind her and gently removes the taser hooks from her ass.

  The guy has on a baseball cap and dark sunglasses and I can’t see his face, but there is something familiar about his voice. I don’t know what to do at this point except just stand there helplessly and try to figure out how I know the man’s voice. I know I should get in there and help Liz out, but I’m kind of afraid of her right now. She might mistake me for the enemy and break my face.

  While I just stand there, Claire reaches into the waistband of Liz’s leggings and pulls out the can of mace, holding it out in front of her as she circles the pair on the ground as they continue to struggle and Liz continues to lob insults at him.

  “Just say the word, dude, and I will waste this mother fucker!” Claire says excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to say that!”

  “Last chance, buddy. Why were you following our friend?” Liz asks as she arches her back and brings the guy's head up at an awkward angle since her arm is still locked tightly around his neck.

  “I’ll never talk. You can’t make me!” the guy says brokenly as he pants and struggles to get Liz off of him.

  I can’t just stand there anymore. I need to do something. I walk up behind Claire and tap her on the shoulder. She must not have noticed I joined them because as soon as my fingers touches her arm, her body jolts in fright and she lets out a scream, the action causing her finger to slip and press down on the red button on the can of mace.

  Within seconds, streams of liquid fire are hitting everyone in the face, including Claire herself as she screams and panics, her arms flying all over the place. I immediately drop to the ground coughing hysterically, tears running down my face. This burns worse than the time Drew ate hot wings and then went down on me. It feels like my eyes are bleeding and I can’t stop coughing.

  In the chaos of screams, coughs and crying, I blindly reach into my back pocket and pull out my cell phone, pressing the button on the side of it for the voice command thingy since I can’t see to dial.

  “CALL DREW! FUCKING HELL, CALL AN AMBULANCE!”

  “Did you say, call Claire?”

  “NO! CLAIRE IS RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT! I SAID CALL DREW! HELP!”

  “Did you say browse the web?”

  “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A SMART PHONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”

  “Did you say send a message?”

  “NO, ASSHOLE! WAIT, YES! YES, YES, YES! SEND A MESSAGE TO DREW! TELL HIM WE’VE BEEN ATTACKED AND WE’RE DYING. TELL HIM WE NEED THE POLICE, A DOCTOR, AND HANDCUFFS!”

  “Sending message to, Doctor Madison.

  I throw the phone away from me and curl up in the fetal position in the grass, not even caring that I just sent a message to the new marriage counselor I had scheduled an appointment with for Drew and me. She has Drew’s phone number in her records so maybe she’ll get the text and call him.

  I still hear shouts and crying all around me and squint open my eyes as best I can. The tears are pouring down my face and what I see is blurry, but it looks like Liz now has Claire in a headlock and the stalker is on all fours puking in the bush.

  “OH MY GOD, MY EYES!!!” the guy shouts.

  And just like that, I know exactly who my stalker is. Just a few years ago he had yelled the exact same thing when he walked into our living room and saw Drew doing a handstand against the wall next to the couch while I gave him a blow job.

  With squinty eyes, I push myself up onto my hands and knees and crawl over to the figure still heaving in the shrubs.

  “Dad? Is that you?” I ask.

  “I am an absolute disgrace! What is your major malfunction, numb nuts? You let a bunch of namby-pamby girls take you down. I ought to take a giant shit on you!” he mumbles to himself between coughs and dry heaves.

  Yep, that’s my father-in-law. Leave it to him to quote Full Metal Jacket at a time like this. As soon as I can feel my face again and see out of my eyes, he’s going to explain this whole mess to me.

  “1-2-3-4 I LOVE THE MARINE CORPS!”

  Well, maybe after the mace is gone from his system. I think it’s affecting him worse than it is us girls.

  “SON OF A BITCH, LIZ! Will you let go of my hair? It was an accident,” Claire yells from behind me. “And I can hear you calling me a dumb fuck whore. I may be blind but I can still hear!”

  “Then hear this, you dumb fuck whore! Sleep with one eye open. When I can see again, I will straight up shank you with a whittled down stiletto,” Liz threatens with her eyes squeezed shut as she crazily swings her arms around trying to reach Claire, who managed to escape from her clutches, drop to the ground, and crawl away.

  Alright, so maybe everyone has ingested a bit too much mace.

  Chapter 11 – Womb Hugging and Penis Loving

  “YOU DID WHAT?!”

  I wince at the sound of Jenny’s screech as she throws the cold, wet towel off of
her eyes and glares at me.

  I can’t help it. I laugh. She looks like she has hickies all around her eyes. They are puffy and red and right now it’s really hard to look right at her.

  “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

  Shit.

  I actually do feel really bad that she was maced. She looks like hell and I’m sure it doesn’t feel that great.

  When I had got a phone call from some person named Doctor Madison telling me she received a text from my wife saying, “I pooped on the police and killed an ambulance. Bring handcuffs,” I was a little confused, albeit intrigued. Who was I to judge my wife’s kinkiness? I called Jenny right away and could only hear screaming and crying in the background and something about her eyes melting. When I got to the scene, my father was curled up in the fetal position in the parking lot where he crawled as far away from the girls as he could. He made me promise that I would keep Liz at least ten to twenty feet away from him at all times because she threatened to dig out his eyes with her belt buckle and he really thought she’d do it.

  After getting my dad, Liz, and Claire home, I admitted to Jenny in the car about hiring my dad to follow her. I had figured it was safer that way. She wouldn’t kill me while she was half blind and I was driving. She had ignored me the rest of the way home.

  Now we are here, and she is only a few feet away from a kitchen full of sharp objects.

  “You’re telling me, you thought I was FAKING A WORK INJURY and you had your dad follow me? I thought I had some crazy stalker tailing me all day and he was going to induct me.”

  Yep, full on laughing right now. There’s no hope for me. I’ve already accepted my fate of sleeping on the couch for the rest of eternity.

  “Was this stalker going to induct you into the Stupid Crime Stoppers Hall of Fame?”

  Jenny grabs the wet towel from the couch and re-covers her eyes, resting her head on the back of the couch.