Troubles and Treats Read online

  “Ooooh I love Tupperware too!” one of the women states excitedly. “I use it every single day. It really is a life saver.”

  I just smile and nod, trying to mentally telephone to Drew that he needs to shut up.

  “Do you like to use the gigantor Tupperware or the teeny tiny Tupperware?” Drew questions seriously.

  “I like to use both at the same time,” another woman pipes up.

  “Yeah you do!” Drew smiles and nods, giving her a wink.

  “My husband takes Tupperware to work and everyone is always asking him if Tupperware is better than GladWare. I tell them that Tupperware can fit in all sorts of places and can be used for your pets,” someone else says.

  “Wow, that’s disturbing. But good for you,” Drew says.

  “GladWare is the poor man’s Tupperware, that’s what I always say,” one of the men pipes up.

  “Amen brother!” Drew shouts.

  A chorus of “Amen’s” is muttered all around the circle and I have to cover my face with my hands because I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  “Tupperware really has saved our marriage,” one of the women says with a laugh. “Before I filled my pantry with Tupperware, Steve was using Zip Lock bags and his stuff was just spilling everywhere. He made such a mess!”

  “Ha ha. Oh, Steve! Look at you spilling your stuff everywhere. You’re so bad!” Drew tells the guy sitting on the other side of him.

  “I went to a Tupperware party once where everyone was passing around the different sizes and then they sold those at the end of the party. It seemed very unsanitary to me. Everyone touching the Tupperware and putting their hands all over it and then you were supposed to just take it home and use it?” another woman states with a look of disgust on her face.

  “Oh, they make a special cleaner for that,” Drew tells them.

  “Hey, I have an idea,” Steve, the “stuff spiller” says. “Drew seems like a good sport. I bet he would love to play The Great Swami game.”

  The circle erupts into laughter and nods of approval. Everyone starts rearranging chairs so there are two in the middle of the circle, facing each other.

  “The Great Swami game, you say? I’ve never heard of it,” Drew tells them.

  “Oh, it’s great fun! You have to try and do everything The Great Swami does. So far, no one has been able to beat him,” Steve says excitedly.

  One of the other men takes a seat in one of the chairs in the middle of the circle and a few people direct Drew to the chair opposite him.

  “Bring on The Great Swami. I will totally kick his assss-ascot!” Drew cheers, catching himself just in time.

  “Okay, so Eric is going to be The Great Swami,” Steve informs Drew. “All you have to do is follow along and do the exact same things he does.”

  I have no idea what’s going on but it looks like a safe enough game where Drew won’t get in trouble with his mouth, and hopefully it will have something to do with having a good marriage. Eric puts both of his arms up in the air, making a 'V', and Drew does the same. Eric then touches his finger to his nose, which Drew copies immediately.

  “Man, this is easy. The Great Swami is going down!” Drew exclaims as he copies every single move Eric does with his arms and hands. I’m feeling even more confident that we will at least end this evening on a good note, even if we don’t get any good marriage advice from these people.

  Since Drew has his back to me, he doesn’t see one of the women sneak up behind his chair with something in her hand. I can’t see what it is since she’s hiding it in front of her, but everyone around the circle starts to giggle when they see her.

  The Great Swami Eric does a few more arm movements that Drew repeats and then suddenly he stands up from of his chair. Drew immediately follows the movement, at which point, the woman sticks what I now see is a huge, sopping wet towel onto the seat of Drew’s chair.

  Eric quickly sits back down onto his own chair, and Drew follows suit, smacking his ass down onto the wet towel and the puddle it makes in his chair. He quickly pops right back up and twists and turns to try and get a look at his ass while everyone around us is rolling with laughter

  “SON OF A MOTHER FUCKING JESUS BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK ASS SHIT BITCH JUST FUCKING HAPPENED?!”

  I can almost feel Jesus on his puffy cloud shaking his head in shame at us and saying, “You should have known better than to mix with my people. They will fuck you every time.”

  We quickly gather up the kids and thank everyone for a wonderful time. Drew tells them we need to leave because Billy has explosive diarrhea just as Veronica begins singing at the top of her lungs, “SHIT POOP DIAWEEA. SHIT POOP DIAWEEA!”

  The whole walk back to our house Drew complains, “Fucking stupid ass fuck Swami. Next time we’re invited over there, I’m going to fuck that Swami up.”

  I’m not going to hold my breast for another invitation any time soon.

  Chapter 9 – Great Head

  “I can’t believe you’ve never played The Great Swami game before. I’m disappointed that you would fall for the oldest trick in the book.”

  My dad, Andrew Senior, shakes his head at me in pity as we share a beer up at the local pub and watch the Browns game. I had invited my dad up here to get his take on Jenny and see if he would be up to tailing her for a few days. I’m not one hundred percent positive that she’s falsifying a workman’s comp claim since she stopped limping the day after she hurt her ankle, but I still have my doubts. Something stinks in suburbia and it’s not my balls.

  “Can we get back to the topic at hand, please? Will you do this for me or not?” I ask as I signal the bartender for another drink.

  “Son, I have had your back for twenty-four-”

  “Thirty-four,” I supply.

  “Thirty-four years. I am not about to quit you now, soldier. I will be on her like flies on shit. She doesn’t make a move without me knowing about it. I love the smell of deceit in the morning!”

  My father’s enthusiasm for trying to catch my wife doing something bad doesn’t make me feel better.

  My dad used to be a drill sergeant in the Marines until word got around just how scary of a mother fucker he was. The Corps had a hard time finding recruits in his area because no one wanted to be the guy crying like a baby while my dad screamed in his face. He had retired early and opened his own private investigation business. Unfortunately, he's never lost that drill sergeant mentality.

  “I need to know that you’re on board with whatever I have to do to uncover the truth, is that clear?”

  “Yes, sir,” I mutter.

  “Say it like you’ve got a set of balls, you pansy ass!”

  “YES, SIR!” I shout.

  My dad smacks me on the back and tells me he’ll start his recon this evening when Jenny is supposedly going to be running errands after she gets off of work.

  We finish watching the Browns game while dad explains to me every few minutes what he’ll be doing to try and catch Jenny in a lie. I feel really bad about the fact that I’m going behind her back, but I need to figure out what is wrong before I can figure out how to fix it.

  As the game ends and my dad and I part ways, I get in my car, turn on the radio and the song “I Would Walk 500 Miles” comes on, and I’m immediately transported back in time six years ago when Jenny and I went on our first date.

  “I may have had too much to drink,” I had admitted with a big smile to Jenny as I leaned my chair back on two legs.

  She had smiled back at me and the beauty of it forced me to lose my balance and start windmilling my arms as I began to tip backwards.

  Jenny immediately reached out, grabbed onto the front of my shirt with her fist, and yanked my chair back on four legs. The act caused the chair to slide closer to her and suddenly for the first time that night, I was close enough to run my nose against her cheek and smell her hair.

  “Did you just smell my hair?” she asked.

  I pulled back and gave her a sheepish look. “That de
pends. If I say yes, will you stick your stiletto up my ass?”

  She smiled and shook her head “No”.

  “Then yes, yes I was sniffing your hair. It smells like mangoes.”

  “That is so hot,” she whispered.

  We stared into each other’s eyes for a few minutes, and I had to mentally smack myself out of the trance she put me in before I threw her down on the table and banged her right there in front of God and everyone.

  “So, I realized I’m not even close to sober when a few minutes ago, when I piss a take…I mean took a piss, I screamed when the automatic toilet flushed. I probably won’t be able to drive you home,” I told her honestly.

  “Oh my God, I hate those automatic flushers! Sometimes they flush before I’m even finished and it creeps me out. Like it knows and can see me and just wants to mess with me,” she said.

  “Holy hell, I always tell people that. I really think there is a camera in the toilet bowl with some pervy little man in another room watching and laughing when he hits the button early.”

  We stared at each other for a few minutes and once again, there was nothing I’d rather do right then than to lean in and do dirty things with her mouth. But that wasn't something I wanted to do in the middle of a crowded bar. When it finally happened, we needed to be alone. Preferably in a bed. Or on a picnic table in a random park.

  “Come on, give me the keys, I’ll drive you home,” she said as she held her hand out in front of me. I pull the keys out of my pocket and drop them in her hand.

  ~

  Jenny insisted on stopping at Denny’s on the way home because she was hungry and always wanted to order Moons Over My Hammy because it was funny to say. I almost asked her to marry me on the spot.

  “Funny you mention ham. I have issues with ham when I’m really, really drunk,” I told her, shoveling a mouthful of scrambled eggs in my mouth. “The past few times Carter and I have gone out, we always wind up at the grocery store at the end of the night so I can go to the deli counter and order five pounds of ham.”

  Jenny laughed and wiped her mouth on a napkin. “Why would you order five pounds of ham?” she asked.

  “Well, I’ve only heard this story from Carter so I’m not absolutely sure it’s true since I have no recollection of the events. But according to him, I always buy ham and then walk down the sidewalk tossing ham at people, calling myself the Meat Fairy.”

  Jenny continued to laugh and when my cell phone buzzed on the table in front of me, I ignored it. She picked it up and started scrolling through the apps. Normally, this would make me want to smack a chick in the ovaries, but with Jenny, I didn’t mind at all. I leaned over and saw she was clicking on the Facebook app.

  “Check and see if my status still says, ‘I suck big cocks.' Carter got a hold of my phone the other day and I haven’t figured out how to change it.”

  Jenny leaned slightly away and typed something into the phone with a smile on her face. I let her do her thing as I finished my food.

  While we waited to pay the bill, we continued talking about stupid shit we’d done when we were drunk. Jenny’s story about sending an email to her grandmother that said “I finger-banged an orangutan. It was a party at the zoo!” because she’ll do anything people dare her to do when she’s drunk had my Meat Fairy story beat by a long shot.

  Jenny started up the car and I leaned over the console and rested my head on her shoulder, turned on the radio, and flipped through the stations. The gay ass song “I Would Walk 500 Miles” came on and I snorted a laugh.

  “There are only two things I would walk 500 miles for: beef jerky and you,” I admitted.

  Jenny immediately flipped the blinker from turning right, toward my house, to left. I didn’t say a word as she pulled out of the parking lot and away from the direction I lived. I was praying to the Meat Fairy that she was taking me back to her place and I wouldn't want to say anything and spook her into turning around.

  A few minutes later, we pulled into the driveway of a cute little blue bungalow with a front porch and flower boxes under the windows.

  “So, this is my place. I hope it’s okay we came here,” she said quietly.

  “It is absolutely okay. I live with Carter and he’s probably at home jerking off with a bottle of chocolate sauce. My eyes can’t take that shit anymore.”

  We get out of the car and I grab her hand as we round the hood and start up the stairs. She let go of my hand to dig into her purse for her keys and unlock the door. As we walk inside, I was suddenly reminded of the fact that I smell like beer and tequila. I needed a shower and I needed it bad. Even if nothing happened between us tonight, I still wanted to do everything in my power to be close to her. I wasn't doing that when Budweiser is leaking from my pores.

  She happily obliged my request, showed me to the bathroom, leaving a folded, clean towel on the back of the toilet for me before leaving and closing the door behind her.

  I undressed as quickly as possible and hopped into the shower, not wanting to waste too much time away from her. As always when I was in the shower, I started singing.

  “Hold me closer, Tony Daaaaanza. Count the head lice on the hiiiiiiiiighway.”

  While singing and washing my hair, I heard a noise behind me and turned to find a wet, naked Jenny standing in the shower with me, a huge grin on her face as she looked me up and down.

  “Holy fuck, am I dreaming,” I asked, speaking directly to her boobs. “I’m sorry, I’m finding it impossible to look you in the eyes right now.”

  I continued staring at the world’s most perfect boobs as she took a step closer to me and held up a tube of something for me to see. I regrettably pulled my eyes away from booby heaven to read the label on the bottle that bottle said, ‘Great Head’.

  “I got this the other night at the sex toy party I went to. It’s supposed to numb the back of my throat so I don’t gag during a blow job. I’ve never been with a guy whose junk was anywhere near the back of my throat, but I’m pretty sure you have them beat. Wanna give it a try and see if it works?’

  I stared at her with an open mouth and, I wasn't going to lie, a few tears in my eyes. Thank God the shower was throwing mist and drops of water all over the place and she wouldn’t see my tears of joy.

  All I could do was stare and nod my head up and down, my mouth still open in awe. She opened the tube of gel and squirted a generous amount on her index finger before sliding it into her mouth and sucking it clean. Little Drew jerked down below, and I mentally told him to calm his shit down or he was going to spit all over the place before this even started.

  Jenny placed her hands on my chest and gently pushed me until my back was flat against the cold tile wall. She quickly got to her knees and wrapped her hand around my dick, running her tongue teasingly over the head as I squealed.

  Yep, totally just squealed and I didn’t even care.

  I slid my hands into her wet hair and held on for dear life. There was no way I would push her down further, but I needed to do something with my hands before I started clapping them in front of me like a gay dude at a Barbara Streisand concert.

  With one hand clutching my ass, her other hand slipped down my shaft and cupped my balls before she slid her mouth all the way down to the base.

  “MISSISSIPPI MUD FUCK!” I yelled, thunking my head against the shower wall.

  My excitement motivated Jenny to give it all she was worth. She sucked me in even deeper until yep, I felt the head of my cock touch the back of her throat. It was official. I was in the best porno movie in the history of the world. I now regretted my decision not to bring my cell phone into the shower with me. This was something that should be recorded for all time. After she adjusted her mouth around my shaft, she slid me almost all the way back out and then began a lightning fast rhythm with the whole in-out, in-out. Her small hand tightened around the base of my cock and began pumping me in sync with the glide of her mouth.

  “Holy chips and dip, you’re really good at this,” I m
oaned as I looked down and watched her.

  She moaned in answer and the sound vibrated all the way down my cock and through my balls. I started panting like a dog in heat. She moved her hand off of my ass and cupped my balls again, rolling them around in the palm of her hand.

  “Goat fucking fucker that feels amazing!”

  I continued to mutter nonsense as she quickened her pace. Within seconds, months of pent-up sperm erupted from my cock, and I screamed in drunken, mind-numbing pleasure as she swallowed all of my swimmers. “WILLIE NELSON WONDER CATS!”

  My body stood completely still, every bone locked into place and my mouth hung open in shock and amazement while Jenny pulled me out of her mouth and kissed the head of my dick like it was a cute little puppy.

  The water pouring out of the shower head went cold a while ago and I hadn’t even noticed. Jenny stood up from her knees while I rested motionless against the shower wall, hoping my legs wouldn’t give out.

  “That stuff totally worked! I didn’t gag at all! I tested it out earlier with a banana but it was mushy and I think I swallowed some of the skin. It was gross. You weren’t gross at all and you kind of tasted like popcorn.”

  “I hope you know that I plan on marrying you some day. So keep your calendar open,” I told her seriously as I turned off the water and we stepped out of the shower to towel ourselves off.

  Jenny laughed the cutest little laugh and leaned up on her tip toes to kiss me on the cheek. Now that my excess sperm had vacated the meat whistle, all of the alcohol I consumed this evening started swirling around in my belly and a headache began forming.

  “When I start puking tomorrow morning, just let me be. It will most likely start around 9:37. Just let me heave and don’t cook any fish or chocolate pudding while it’s happening. Also, if you find me spooning your coffee table or bar stool in the middle of the night, don’t be afraid. Just wake me up and bring me back to bed. It usually only happens once.”

  As we had curled up in her bed, I picked my cell phone up from her nightstand and smiled to myself when I saw that she had indeed changed my Facebook status. Now it had said: I’m totally getting a BJ tonight.