Closer to the Edge Read online

  “It’s a damn good thing you can’t have any more kids, huh, Liv?” he asks sarcastically a few quiet moments later.

  For a minute I think he’s trying to make a joke, and it doesn’t register that what he’s saying is far from funny. Even in the dark room, there’s enough light coming in from the moon that I can see his face. It’s twisted in anger and pain and I’m so confused that I can’t even process what’s happening.

  “I’m just thinking, imagine all of the little accidents you would have had to dispose of these last few weeks while I fucked you over and over without any protection.”

  A sob flies out of my mouth and I quickly try to smother it with my hand. What the hell is going on? How can he be so cruel?

  He takes a step towards me and I do something I never thought I would do with this man—I flinch. Instead of fighting back, yelling at him for speaking to me this way, I crumble. I press my back against the wall as hard as I can, trying to get away from this stranger standing in front of me. This isn’t the Cole I love. This isn’t the man who would never consciously do anything to hurt me. I don’t know who this person is.

  His face is so close to mine that I can feel his breath on my lips, the same breath I adore feeling brush against my skin when he tells me he loves me in the quiet hours when we’re alone. He presses his hands against the wall on either side of my head and leans in, resting his mouth against my ear.

  “At least now I don’t have to worry about you killing any more of my kids,” he whispers angrily.

  I open my mouth to scream and yell and curse at him, but nothing comes out except a low, aching whimper. He angrily shoves himself off the wall and away from me. He turns his back on me, yanks open the door and storms through it. I jump when it slams so hard behind him that a crystal sconce on the wall next to me crashes to the ground.

  My body slides down the wall until my butt hits the floor. I wrap my arms around my waist and squeeze my eyes closed, trying to erase every hurtful word that came out of his mouth. I lean to the side until my shoulder hits the ground and I curl up in a ball, hugging my knees to my chest.

  I forget all about the paperwork I left sitting in the front seat of my car and I forget all about the truth that I thought was on my side. All I can think about is the look on his face and the scorn in his words. Maybe I saw what I wanted to see on those reports and it really was my fault. I never listened to the doctor. I didn’t take it easy. I pushed and I pushed until my body couldn’t take it anymore. It doesn’t matter that there was Pitocin in my system that I sure as hell didn’t put there. It doesn’t matter that Vivien has always hated me and pushed like hell to get me out of Cole’s life. Nothing matters anymore because he’s probably right. I was weak and I didn’t do enough to protect that child growing inside of me and I lost him. If I had done what I was told, maybe he would have made it. If I’d taken better care of myself instead of wallowing in my misery, I would have been stronger and he would have been stronger. Maybe then he would have had a chance, even if Vivien did do what we suspected.

  I killed him. I did this and there’s nothing that can ever heal the pain caused by that knowledge. Now that Cole knows, it’s over. Everything is over. There’s nothing left to fight for. I’ve lost everything all over again and I have no one to blame but myself.

  I CLENCH AND unclench my fist, staring at the streaks of dried blood on my knuckles, taking another swig of whiskey straight from the bottle. It’s been a long time since I had a drink and the burn feels good sliding down my throat. Outside of a few beers here and there with the guys after a mission, I’ve never been much of a drinker. I’m going to feel like shit tomorrow, but I don’t give a fuck. The pain in my head will be nothing compared to the pain I feel everywhere else.

  She fucking lied to me. They all lied.

  “One big happy group of fucking liars!” I tell the bottle of whiskey as I hold it up in front of my face and stare at the liquid sloshing around.

  “What, nothing to say, Whiskey? Because you know it’s true.”

  Jesus, I’m drunk.

  I laugh at myself and bring the bottle back up to my lips.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  I pause with the bottle at my mouth and try to get my eyes to focus on the person standing at the bottom of the steps.

  “Fuck you, Olivia. Go away,” I snarl.

  I hear footsteps pounding up the stairs and, before I can take another drink, the bottle is snatched from my hand.

  “Heeeey!” I shout angrily, leaning forward to grab it back.

  I swipe my hand out so fast that I lose my balance and topple sideways, my shoulder slamming into the floor.

  “Garrett, help me get his drunk ass off of our porch.”

  It’s not until I glance up and see Parker standing over me with a scowl on her face that I remember that I’ve been sitting on her front porch for hours, waiting for her and Garrett to get home so I can kick both their asses.

  Thinking about kicking anyone’s ass in the shape I’m in is the funniest thing in the world and I start to laugh as I feel hands slide under my armpits and haul me up. I keep laughing like an asshole when Garrett throws one of my arms over his shoulder and pulls me to my feet.

  Garrett keeps his arm around my waist, making sure I don’t fall over and it pisses me off. I stop laughing and shove him away from.

  “Get the fuck away from me!” I roar. “Give me my fucking bottle.”

  He steps back with his hands up in the air. “Calm down, brother. I think you’re done for the night.”

  “I am not your brother, you lying sack of shit!” I shout, taking a wobbly step in his direction.

  Parker steps in between us and mimics Garrett with her palms up in a sign of peace. “Alright, that’s enough. How about we go inside and get you some coffee?”

  I scoff at her and shake my head, willing the puke to stay in my stomach when nausea rolls through me. “Fuck off, Parker.”

  The helpful, easy look on her face instantly turns hard and she glares at me. Garrett steps closer to her and she stops him with a hand on his chest.

  “It’s alright, I’ve got this,” she tells him, looking right at me when she says it.

  “That’s right, you’ve got it. Big, bad Parker is on the case, doing everything she can to protect that bitch of a friend and fucking me over in the process!” I shout.

  I know I’m drunk and belligerent, but I don’t care. Once I get going, I can’t stop.

  “You guys told me just enough to keep me around, but you left out the most important part, didn’t you? I actually felt sorry for her! I felt guilty for leaving her and for leaving you when the entire time you were laughing behind my fucking back! Boy, you sure pulled a fast one on me, didn’t you? You were right, Garrett. The shit certainly hit the motherfucking fan tonight, but it’s fine. It’s totally fine because I’M the one who got the last laugh. That bitch deserves everything that’s happened to her for killing my kid!”

  The crack of Parker’s palm across my face is so sudden and unexpected that my head flies back and my vision is blurred with stars. I flex my jaw and bring my hand up to the side of my face, rubbing it over the sting and the red mark I’m sure she left behind.

  The only good thing about it is that her smack instantly sobered me. The nausea and fuzzy head is gone, but the rage is back. The betrayal is fresh in my mind and screaming to get out.

  “Get him in the house and pour some coffee down his fucking throat,” Parker murmurs angrily to Garrett. “After that, we’re all going to sit down and have a nice, civilized chat about the bullshit that’s been spewing out of your mouth.”

  I clench my fists at my side, waiting to see if she’s going to hit me again.

  “I don’t need coffee and I don’t need to talk. I’ve heard enough tonight. My father is bat-fucking-shit crazy and my family has been lying to me for years. On top of that, I find out she took money from my mother to have an abortion. But you already know all about that, don�
��t you, Parker?”

  Her mouth drops open and I continue.

  “That’s right, I know all about the ten thousand dollar check she cashed and how she had my fucking child ripped from her body two days later. Jesus Christ, she put on a good show though, didn’t she? Did you coach her, giving her tips on how to make the nightmares and the tears look real? Because let me tell you, she’s a great Goddamn actress. She had me fooled. And you two, with your high and mighty attitude about everything,” I laugh angrily. “You knew what she did. All that crap you fed me about how she’s been through enough and how I needed to stand by her side no matter what. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? Did you honestly think knowing she took a bribe from my mother to get rid of my baby wouldn’t matter? That I’d stay with her after I found out she killed my child for ten grand? Jesus Christ, I trusted you! I trusted both of you and you FUCKED ME!”

  Parker doesn’t say a word as she stands here on the porch staring at me. Maybe she feels guilty. I was her friend first. I went to fucking war with her and I helped Garrett get his head out of his ass where she was concerned and she took her side over mine.

  The silence on the porch is interrupted by a loud crack of thunder off in the distance and we all turn and look at the sky in shock. Summertime storms are an anomaly in California, so the streak of lighting I see makes the hair on my arms stand up. There’s something ominous about watching the electricity light up the dark sky. I guess it makes sense that the night my world goes to shit, something out of the ordinary happens to punctuate it.

  I see Garrett run his palms over his face out of the corner of my eye before he shakes his head in wonder.

  “What in the motherfuck is going on right now?” he whispers.

  I don’t know if he’s talking about the weather or about everything I just said and I don’t give a fuck. I came here to get drunk and tell them to fuck off.

  Mission accomplished.

  I move around Parker to go down the steps but she grabs into my arm. “Nope, you’re not going anywhere on your own. Get in the fucking car. We’re going for a drive.”

  TWENTY MINUTES LATER, I’m still questioning my decision to get in the car with Parker. She instructed Garrett to go find Olivia after a few calls to her cell phone went unanswered. I want to be pissed that they both care so much about Olivia’s well-being after what she did, but I’ve decided not to give a fuck. Not caring is much better than wanting to kill everyone I come in contact with.

  That whole ‘not caring’ thing becomes more difficult when I glance out the front window of Parker’s SUV and see that she’s pulling into the driveway of our home.

  Not our home, HER home. This was never my home and I was a fool to think otherwise.

  Parker shuts off the vehicle and opens the door. I cross my arms in front of me like a child and refuse to get out. Olivia’s car isn’t here, so I know I won’t have to deal with looking at her lying face again, but there’s no fucking way I’m going in that house. What the fuck is the point? Does Parker think I’m going to wait here for her to come home? Does she want to play mediator or some shit?

  “Get your ass out of the car, Cole,” Parker speaks quietly.

  “Fuck you, Parker,” I fire back.

  “I wouldn’t fuck you with my husband’s dick. You’re being a fucking asshole. Now, get the hell out of the car before I drag your big, drunk ass out and make a huge scene in front of the neighbors.”

  She gets out of the car and slams the door behind her. I watch through the windshield as she makes her way up to the front porch. A few drops of rain splatter against the window and I lean forward to look up at the sky, watching the lightning streak across it.

  Shit! Motherfucking SHIT!

  If I don’t get out now, Parker will make good on her threat and haul my ass out of here, by which time it will be pouring.

  With a few more curses and a smack to the dashboard with my open palm, I angrily shove open the door and get out, dodging raindrops as I head up to the porch where Parker is waiting for me, cursing myself for being so damn stubborn and not having my crutches with me.

  She doesn’t say a word as she uses a key on her ring to unlock the door. The door that’s no longer bright, sunshiny yellow. The door she painted over because it hurt too much for her to have that last memory of me every time she came home.

  The look in her eyes when she told me she’d been pregnant flashes through my mind. How broken and distraught she was when she stood in the living room wrapped in a towel, apologizing to me over and over. Was she apologizing for what she did or was it more than that? Did she apologize because she felt guilty or because she truly was sorry and regretted the abortion?

  Jesus, just thinking that word makes me want to lean over the porch railing and puke into the bushes. It’s so cold and clinical and it’s nothing like Olivia. I still have a hard time reconciling the woman I loved with the one who was capable of killing my child. I thought she was stronger than my mother and above any type of threats or bribes that would come her way.

  I follow behind Parker blindly, through the living room and down the hall, stopping at a door right across from Olivia’s bedroom. I refuse to turn around and look through that open doorway and see the unmade bed, knowing her smell lingers on those sheets, remembering the way her body felt pressed against mine beneath those covers just days ago. All those nights of lying together in the dark, talking about the past and the future… all those times when she could have been honest with me and she chose, instead, to lie.

  “I’m going to guess that you haven’t been in this room since you’ve been back,” Parker speaks quietly, staring at the closed door in front of her.

  “Uh, no. It’s a spare bedroom. Olivia kept extra clothes and shit in there.”

  “She always keeps this door closed. As far as I know, she hasn’t been in here in months. I told her I’d help her empty it out, but she wouldn’t let me,” Parker murmurs.

  I roll my eyes, wishing she’d get on with it already so we can get the fuck out of here and I can go back to drinking myself into a coma.

  Parker steps away from the door and gestures to it with her hand. “Go ahead. Open it.”

  I look at her in confusion for a minute, irritated that she won’t just fucking tell me why the hell she dragged me here. This cloak and dagger bullshit is pissing me off.

  With an annoyed huff, I grab onto the handle and turn it, pushing the door open. Parker reaches around me and flips the switch right inside the room and a small lamp over by the window bathes the room in a soft glow.

  The sight in front of me makes my heart speed up and a small sob flies out of my mouth. I take a step into the room, then another, walking blindly as my eyes cloud with fucking tears. I don’t know whether to keep going or turn and run as fast as I can.

  Parker’s quiet voice behind me echoes in the room.

  “Sometimes the truth is too much to handle. It’s easier to lock it behind closed doors and pretend like it never happened.”

  I FEEL A hand on my arm, shaking me awake, and I swat it away. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know when I fell asleep and I don’t care. My eyes are puffy from crying and my throat hurts. I curl myself tighter into a ball and ignore the familiar voice calling my name.

  “Come on, hon. Let’s get you up off the floor.”

  I start to cry all over again when arms wrap around me and help me up. I look around the dark room, seeing Cole’s t-shirt flung over the end of the couch and his crutches leaning against the wall, and it makes me cry even harder. Every hateful word he said to me before he left echoes in my mind and I wrap my arms around my waist, bending over with the force of the pain flowing through me.

  I feel a gentle hand rubbing circles on my back and I still, cringing away from the contact. The very notion that a member of the Vargas family would offer me comfort is laughable after they’ve done everything in their power to destroy me, but the sympathy I see reflected in those eyes gives me pause. Then I re
call the handful of interactions we’ve had and the outright rage directed at me before it was quickly masked. My emotions are clouding my judgment and nothing makes sense anymore.

  “Why are you here? I know you don’t really like me,” I sob.

  I hear a chuckle and I stand, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Maybe I’m here because I know what it’s like to be betrayed by the people you love. I’m not as crazy as everyone likes to think. There’s a reason for everything I’ve done.”

  I just want to leave, to run as far away from this family as possible. They’ve ruined everything and there’s nothing they can do to make up for it now.

  “Just tell me the truth,” I cry. “Who did it? You know who did this to me and Cole.”

  Once upon a time, I thought this family would accept me. That fairytale died with my son.

  “You two just weren’t right for each other. Why couldn’t you see that?”

  I ignore the words, laced with malice, and move towards the door. I don’t want to be here anymore, surrounded by Cole’s things, in a house with someone who clearly hates me.

  Has always hated me.

  A hand clamps down on my arm, yanking me backwards. I stumble and my moment of weakness is used against me, strong arms coming up to wrap around me and hold me in place.

  “You and I are going for a little drive. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

  The fake cheer in that voice covers up the anger and I struggle to get away.

  “I am not going anywhere with you!” I shout, managing to free myself as I lunge for the door.

  “Oh, no you don’t!” I hear followed by an eerie, sinister laugh.

  My hand wraps around the handle just as something hard slams into the back of my head. Everything around me goes black as my body crumbles and I see the floor rushing towards my face.

  “WHAT THE FUCK is going on?” I whisper, staring around the room.

  My eyes focus on the crib in front of me, made up with blue, white and green bedding with monkeys on it. A blue blanket neatly covers the sheet, folded down at the top as if it’s just waiting for someone to curl up underneath it.