Troubles and Treats Read online

  “Saddle up, cowboy. Give me your baby juice.”

  I closed the gap between us, and she leaned forward awkwardly, resting her forehead against the wall behind the toilet, wrapping her hands around the flusher to keep her steady.

  Grabbing onto her hips, I slid back home again, letting out a loud groan when I was deep inside her again.

  “Ohhhhhhhhhh fuck,” I moaned as I got my rhythm back.

  I thought I heard a noise in the bathroom but nothing was going to stop me right now. I was in heaven and I wasn't ready to come out yet.

  “Jeeeeeeesus!” I exclaimed loudly, thrusting into Jenny with all my might.

  At this point we were both grunting and panting and oblivious to everything else around us.

  “Fuck this is good. So good. Uuuuuuunnnnggggghhhh,” I moaned.

  “I’m sorry, but are you okay in there?”

  The sound of another man’s voice in the next stall forced us to halt our movements immediately. I was clutching onto Jenny’s hips, and she whipped her head around to stare at me with wide eyes.

  “Um, ha, ha, yes! I’m super, thanks for asking!” I replied back to the guy.

  Jenny gave me a “what the fuck” look and I just shrugged. As she turned back around, she shifted on my dick a little and did that awesome thing with her vagina where it squeezes me.

  “Oh my goat milk, that’s hot!” I cried out.

  “Ooooh, yeah. Goat milk has that reaction with me too. I always get the fire shits from goat milk,” the guy in the next stall told me.

  This guy needed to shut the fuck up already! I didn’t need to hear about his burning asshole while I was trying to make a baby! It was like this guy had no class.

  I did my best to ignore the rude guy next door so I could finish this thing before Jenny decided it was a bad idea. She turned her head again and looked me in the eye, mouthing the words, “Hurry the fuck up!”

  Don’t mind if I do!

  Without a second thought, I started banging the hell out of her again.

  “Fuck yeah. Oh fuck, I’m so close!” I muttered.

  “You’re doing great, buddy. Keep pushing!” my bathroom friend encouraged me.

  “Oh hell yes! I’m pushing, fuck yeah!” I shouted back, bolstered by his enthusiasm.

  “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening,” Jenny whispered.

  “Oh, it’s happening! It’s totally happening, baby!” I told her.

  I could feel my orgasm and it was right there, just a few more thrusts and I could send those little sperm fuckers to their home!

  Mid-thrust, Jenny lost her grip and her hand slipped, causing the toilet handle to push down, making the toilet flush.

  “Well that was awkward,” I said as I continued what I was doing.

  “Nope, not awkward at all,” bathroom man yelled back. “A courtesy flush is always a good idea.”

  Even with this guy talking my ear off, Jenny felt so good that it was impossible to stop my orgasm from rushing up through my balls.

  “YES! YES! YES!” I shouted with my head thrown back.

  With one last thrust—that I will argue until my dying day wasn’t that hard— Jenny lost her balance on the toilet seat while I came, and one of her knees slipped down into the toilet with a loud splash. Water flew out of the bowl and all over the floor.

  “Oops,” I said sheepishly as I shivered through the final seconds of my orgasm. I had pulled out of Jenny and backed away from her while she struggled and tried to get her knee out of the toilet, forcing more water all over the place.

  “It’s okay, man, happens to the best of us,” the guy next door had admitted.

  “Ain’t that the truth?!” I answered.

  So, yeah. That’s the story of Veronica’s conception and now Jenny and I have to figure out how to break that news to her when she’s older. Maybe we can leave out the part of the spectator in the next stall over. And the part about never finding Mommy’s underwear when we had got back to the table. And how

  Mommy fell in the toilet. You know what? I think we’ll just make something up.

  Fuck, now I’m horny.

  I glance at my watch and realize I’ve got some time before Billy will be up from his nap and Jenny will be home with Veronica. Normally, I’d go jerk off, but Drew junior is a little under the weather. Remember when you were little and your mom would tell you that if you whacked off too much you’d get hairy palms? That’s so not true. Believe me, I've tried to make it come true. I had thought it would be the coolest thing ever to have hands like Teen Wolf. Who needs a dog when you can pet your own hands? Michael J. Fox had no idea how good he had it. Anyway, it turns out, whacking off too much doesn’t cause hairy palms. It causes a raw, chafed dick. I’m blaming this all on Head and Shoulders. Stupid blue and white bottle that looks so friendly with its happy little green bubbles on the bottle. I had thought rubbing my love handle in the privacy of the shower with a little squirt of fresh-smelling shampoo the other day would be lovely. I mean, have you felt shampoo lately? It’s soft and soapy and smells like heaven. Plus, if it can give you silky, smooth hair. That should naturally mean it will give you a silky, smooth penis.

  Folks, never, I repeat, NEVER, yank your wank with shampoo. It may sound like a good idea at the time; it may even FEEL like a good idea at the time. Just give it a few minutes and then your dick will turn into the fiery pits of hell. It will burn like Satan himself is breathing his fire breath on your Willy Wonka. Oh, and it will also feel like someone is chewing on your dick. With razor blades for teeth.

  So, while my dick is on the mend, I think I’ll spend some quiet time thinking about ways to make my wife have dirty bathroom sex with me again.

  Chapter 13 – Hiney Duck Hiss

  Once a month, the six of us try to get together for a game night. We always say that one of these times we should all get babysitters so the evening doesn’t include stopping the game every few minutes to break up a fight between the girls and then forty-five minutes of screaming and crying at the end of the night when it’s time to leave. For some reason, the weeks in between game nights make us forget about the fact that we were supposed to get a babysitter. It isn’t until the first blood curdling scream comes from a bedroom or toy room that we remember.

  Tonight we only have Veronica with us. Drew’s dad still feels bad about making me think he was a stalker so he’s offered babysitting services whenever we need it.

  He had told me as we were leaving to make sure I let Liz know how nice he is for offering up his time for us. He also mentioned to stress the fact that he is doing this out of the goodness of his heart. Drew’s mom had called me the other day and said that whenever he leaves the house he runs as fast as he can to his car, gets in, and locks the doors.

  I’m pretty sure Liz has scarred him for life.

  We pull into Carter and Claire’s driveway and park behind Liz and Jim’s van.

  “Honey, have you hugged your vagina today?” Drew asks me with a smirk as he turns off the engine and pockets the keys.

  “Will you stop it with that? I already admitted that Dr. Madison was a bad idea. Stop reminding me,” I complain as I get out of the car and get Veronica unbuckled from the back seat.

  Drew has been teasing me nonstop about our botched marriage therapy session. I don’t understand how I could have judged Dr. Madison so wrong.

  “Didn’t you Google her or anything first? Find out what she was about?”

  “Of course I did,” I say in exasperation as I grab Veronica’s hand and we walk up the driveway. “Her add in the newspaper said she was 'new age' and 'holyistic'. I didn’t understand the 'new age' thing. I figured she was just an older woman who wasn’t happy with getting older and instead of telling people her age, she just made up something called ‘new age’. Sort of like when babies are newly born. Or like, ‘How old are you?’ ‘Oh, I’m new age!’

  And being holyistic, you would think that therapy session would have centered more around being hol
y and close to God. We could use some holyistic in our marriage. We haven’t been to church in years.”

  Drew closes his eyes and shakes his head as he rings the doorbell. I know he totally agrees with me and is just too annoyed about the whole therapy thing to say anything else.

  “It’s about time you got here!” Carter says as he opens the door. “Charlotte and Sophia have already pulled hair, clawed eyes out, and one of them shoved the other into the bathtub and turned the shower on. Not sure who did it since we found both of them crying and sopping wet.”

  Carter steps back and holds the door open for us so we can walk inside.

  “Hey, man, nice shirt!” Jim states as he comes from around the corner into the living room.

  Tonight, in honor of game night, Drew is wearing the shirt I got him for Christmas last year. It’s got a picture of a Twister mat and says: How about a game of Twister? Right hand on my penis, left hand on my ass.

  “Veronica, why don’t you go on back to the playroom and see what the girls are doing?” I tell her as I bend down to help her remove her coat.

  “Don’t tell me what to do, devil woman!”

  I stand up and glare at Drew.

  “What? Can I help it if she has everything from ‘Billy Madison’ memorized?”

  Veronica takes off running down the hall before I can scold her. Technically it’s Drew who needs scolding, but at this point there’s no use.

  “Come on, everyone’s in the dining room,” Jim says as he turns and leads the way.

  An hour later we’re in the middle of a game of Mad Gab. I hate this game. Well, I hate it when it’s my turn because I never get any of them right. But it is pretty funny when it’s someone else’s turn. On one side of the card is a popular phrase, but the words are kind of jumbled together so you can’t tell right away what the phrase is. You have to say the words out loud over and over until it starts to sound like the right phrase. For example, the last one that was done, the card said: Abe Odd Hull Luck Oak. The answer, written on the back of the card was: A bottle of Coke.

  “Alright, it’s Jenny’s turn,” Claire announces as she pulls a card from the box.

  I groan, preparing for the fact that I will lose again.

  Claire holds up the card and I read the words, mumbling them to myself.

  “No, no, no. You know the rules, Jenny. Say them out loud,” Liz scolds.

  I huff and start reading the words really slowly. “Hiney…duck…hiss. Hiney…duck…hiss.”

  Liz is leaning over close to Claire so they can both see what the answer should be and they are laughing hysterically.

  “Hiney…duck…hiss. Hiney duck hiss. Hiney duck hiss,” I say, trying to say it a little faster in the hopes that it will spark something in my mind.

  Nope.

  “Oh God, I can’t!” Liz laughs, holding on to her stomach and resting her forehead on top of the table. “Hiney duck!”

  “Try saying it really, really fast,” Drew suggests, laughing as well.

  “Hineyduckhiss. Hineyduckhiss. Hineyduckhiss. This is dumb. It makes no sense,” I complain. “Just tell me the answer.”

  Claire continues to laugh as she turns the card around to show everyone the answer.

  “I need a kiss? You have got to be kidding me!”

  I really hate this game.

  “Oh, I told you guys about the charity thing I’m doing at the shop this weekend, right?” Liz asks as she starts packing up Mad Gab to put it away.

  “You mentioned something about it but refresh my memory,” Drew says as he leans back in his chair and rests his arm on the back of mine.

  “Well, you know how last year we did a silent auction and all the proceeds went to The American Cancer Society? I wanted to do something a little more outrageous this year and with more of a theme that matches my store. So, I am having a vibrator race,” Liz announces.

  “Whoa, really?” Drew asks. “Is that legal?”

  “Why wouldn’t it be legal? I’m having it in the lot behind the store which is completely fenced in, and there will be security at the door to make sure only eighteen and up are allowed in. There will be bets and different heats and lots to drink. So make sure you all have a fantastic vibrator to bring with you. Or you could always buy a new one at the store when you get there.”

  Before I can ask any questions about the vibrator race and how exactly it works, Claire shushes all of us.

  “Do you guys notice anything?” she asks.

  We all pause and listen.

  “It’s really quiet. Why is it so quiet?” Jim asks.

  With five girls in the house and a ten year old boy, there should definitely be a lot of noise coming from down the hall. The fact that we’ve been able to play a game uninterrupted for an entire hour should have clued us in that something was up.

  We all jump up from the table and race down the hall. Drew is the first one to the playroom door and stops dead in his tracks in the doorway, blocking all of our views.

  “Oh, holy Mary Tyler Moore,” he mutters before turning around and placing his arms on the doorframe so no one can get in. “You do NOT want to go in there.”

  We all stand in the hallway giving each other equal looks of fear and horror at what could possibly be happening on the other side of Drew.

  Is someone dead? Did the cat fights finally get serious and one of the girls is now missing an eye? What if it’s Veronica? Oh my God, my baby is going to have to go through life wearing an eye patch like a pirate! On National Pirate Day she’ll be expected to dress up and talk in a funny voice the whole day because she’s a pirate every day and everyone will just assume she’s really good at it. But what if she isn’t good at being a pirate? She’ll be hated by all for not knowing what “walk the plank” means. I don’t even know what the hell it means!

  “Drew, what the fuck, man? What did they do?” Carter asks as he pushes me to the side so he can see over Drew’s arms.

  “Oh my fuck,” Carter sighs. “You might as well drop your arms. They’re going to have to see it sooner or later. Claire, take a deep breath first.”

  Drew finally moves out of the way and we can all see just what has happened in the play room.

  All five girls are sitting in a circle in the middle of the room, and each one’s face is completely covered in black Sharpie marker. And when I say completely covered, I mean completely. Absolutely. Lips, nose, eyelids, ears…covered. We all slowly make our way into the room, our mouths drop open in shock. It’s not until we’re fully inside the room that we notice the extent of the damage. As I turn around in circles, I’m kind of amazed at the detail of the scenes drawn on the wall. In black Sharpie. They actually drew a castle with a princess in the tower and a moat. It’s a pretty good picture.

  “Holy hell, is that a dragon? Dude, who did the dragon? That’s pretty good,” Drew asks.

  “I did!” Charlotte pipes up. She immediately wipes the black smile off of her face when she sees the murderous look on Liz’s face.

  “I just painted these walls,” Claire mumbles as she takes on a catatonic look and stares at the ceiling.

  “Gavin! Have you been in here this entire time?” Carter shouts.

  I didn’t even notice Gavin sitting sideways in a chair in the corner with his legs hanging over the arms, flipping through a book.

  “Yep,” Gavin answers as he continues turning the pages without looking up.

  “Um, and you didn’t think it was necessary to tell us the girls were painting their faces and the walls with a marker that doesn’t wash off?” Carter scolds.

  Gavin finally looks away from his book and notices the girls in the middle of the room, all sitting silently and still clutching the permanent markers in their hands.

  “Heh, heh. Nice job, cootie faces!”

  “Shut up, you piece of crap!” Ava yells.

  “AVA!” Liz yells.

  “What? I’m not allowed to call him a piece of shit, am I?” she replies as she crosses her arms and p
outs.

  “She’s got a point. She’s not allowed to say ‘shit’,” Jim whispers to Liz.

  “I just painted these walls,” Claire mutters again.

  “This is the best game night ever!” Drew exclaims as he pulls out his cell phone and starts snapping pictures. “Girls, say, ‘Once you go black, you never go back!'”

  I walk over and smack his arm, snatching the phone out of his hand. “Alright, girls, everybody up, clothes off and into the bathroom.”

  Liz and I start herding the girls out of the room and across the hall.

  “Gavin, go get some soap and water and start scrubbing these walls,” Carter says as he makes his way over to Claire and wraps her in his arms.

  “Why do I have to clean the walls? I didn’t draw on them. This is HORSESHIT!”

  “GAVIN ALLEN! I JUST PAINTED THESE WALLS! DID YOU HEAR ME? I…JUST…PAINTED…THESE…WALLS! IJUSTPAINTEDTHESEWALLS! IJUSTPAINTEDTHESEWALLS!” Claire shrieks.

  “Is she losing her shit or is she trying to do another Mad Gab?” Drew asks me. “Because if it’s a Mad Gab, I’m going with ‘A just plain teddy swallows’.”

  Chapter 14 - Racers, Take Your Mark

  The weekend is finally here and even though it’s been an exhausting week with work, getting up at all hours of the night with Billy and giving Veronica eight baths in the last three days to try and get marker off of her face, I’m excited to go to the charity event that Liz is having. And I’m not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. I’ve never been shy about sex. Ever. But since having Billy, I don’t feel sexy. Most likely from the fact that I get maybe three hours of sleep every night. But still, I think today will be good for Drew and I. The marriage counseling was a bust and the dinner with our neighbors didn’t provide us with any kind of help, so I’m hoping maybe this will do the trick. Maybe it will give me the spark I need to feel sexy and get back on the sex train. I feel bad for Drew. We used to have sex every single day, sometimes two or three times. I know he’s frustrated. I’m frustrated too. I want to want to have sex. I miss sex. I miss sex with him. I’m determined to make today a success even though all I want to do is go back to sleep.